Elephant vs Tail

India lost yet another test cricket series abroad. Ballwinder explains elephant and its tail over a cup of Black Ivory Coffee.

“And yet again Indian Cricket team loses a test series abroad”, I said with a quick glance towards Ballwinder Paaji while swapping the sports channel to the one where Premier League was on.

England vs South Africa 2017, third Test match, Day 2: LIVE streaming, TV listing, date, time, venue
We did it again, lads! PC: Reuters


“How can you claim to be the best batting line up in the world when you collapse before such low totals?”, I looked again at Ballwinder paaji. “Who is responsible for such performances?”, I was on a rant, hoping for some response. It had been long, I did not realise what exactly was I asking for. Ballwinder paaji was busy burning the fresh Arabica beans for his double/triple shot espresso. But he was listening.

tea espresso GIF
There is coffee, and then there is espresso


“Elephant and its tail”, said Ballwinder.

baby elephant GIF
Lemme introduce this beauty called the elephant, and well of course, its tail.


“You sire, are in for a ride. Perhaps an elephant ride”, I said to myself. The most exciting thing about an elephant is its size, its trunk, its tusk. Why would anybody even think about its tail. Who has ever even thought about its tail.

Elephant Hair-Facts About Circuses
Elephant’s tail


Then there is Ballwinder. Ballwinder would tell me not only the significance of an elephant’s tail, but also its relevance in the context of Indian cricket team losing yet another cricket series abroad. Now I don’t even bother asking the obvious question like “Ballwinder Paaji, What on earth just happened?  I just commented on the consistent claims of Indian team to be the best in the world despite losing abroad, series after series??”. But I did not ask. I just patiently waited for Ballwinder to address the “elephant” in the room. He knew what I was thinking. He looked at me with a slight smile and only broke eye contact when his coffee did the magic for him.

good morning drinking GIF by Panic! At The Disco
“I know what’s on your mind. Wait, this coffee is ecstatic!”


“Elephant is such a majestic animal. You are in its absolute awe. That trunk, the tusk, you are blown away. A creature of magnanimity, true class. And then there is its tail. A tail which does not go with its size, style, trunk or tusk. Something that is there to give it acceptance in the jungle. Everybody’s got one. Well, elephant should also have it. What’s its purpose. For example, look at a cheetah, its tail helps as rudder when it attacks. Look at a crocodile, its tail gives a torpedo effect in water. We, homo sapiens, did not have any use of it, so it vanished. Poor elephant is stuck with this tail. Just as a part of nature’s contract. Quite a price to pay, must I say.

Cheetah’s tail


Crocodile launches completely out of the water, using its powerful tale. Photo: Trevor Frost, screen grab
  Crocodile’s tail


Image result for elephant tail
Again, Elephant’s tail


“That’s interesting, Ballwinder Paaji”, I said with intrigue. I actually was. Useless, elephant’s tail. As enlightening as it sounded, I still sought an answer to my question. “I understand this much, that you are referring to the Indian cricket team as an elephant. Its character can be compared to the class that an elephant belongs to. But what’s with the tail? Who is the tail? Why is the Indian team losing series after series”, I had to address the “elephant” in the room.

benedict cumberbatch sherlock GIF by BBC
What’s the tail gotta do with the Indian cricket team?


“The tail end of the Indian batting is the elephant’s tail”, said Ballwinder in a firm voice. A voice that sounded as if coffee was still somewhere there in the throat. I was shocked. I was taken aback. Not as much by the voice as by his reply. “The tail end of Indian batting, you mean the bowlers? They are not supposed to be batsmen”, I was enraged. At the tip of being offended.

Mohammed Shami
Why always me?


“Indian bowlers are not tail end batsmen Ballu Paaji, they are bowlers. We have to play them else the English would never have gotten out. In fact, Ballu Paaji, they got the England batting limited to such low scores! Here (England) as well as against South Africa! They did their job!”, I  said, now officially being offended.

how dare you GIF
Indian bowling is not tail ending batting!


Ballwinder was unmoved. He was not at all moved by my reaction. Somewhere he knew that truth is as bitter as coffee. Not everybody can handle it bitterness the first time they sip it. One has to get used to such bitterness called the truth to relish its flavour and slowly come to terms with one’s mind and soul. He continued to sip his coffee, while my blood boiled in ignorance.

sipping modern family GIF
Coffee is bitter, so is the Truth


“I understand your angst”, said Ballwinder Paaji while trying to patronise me. “But this is the bitter truth. Indian batting is as majestic as an elephant. You have to, have to admire it. You don’t have any choice. You just can’t criticise. Someday you might admire its trunk (Kohli), someday its tusk might stand out (Pujara), maybe never as a whole, but you can never condemn the elephant in its totality (The “grand” top order batting performance). Because you just cannot question the beauty of the elephant. Everybody ends up disgusted with the tail, never with the elephant. Who is acknowledging the fact that the Indian bowling performance has been unprecedented, that they have been successful in limiting the opposition batting to such low scores in the recent test matches? If the bowlers themselves cannot fend the challengers’ bowling attack, play between the gaps, keep rotating the strike, hit the odd one out for a boundary, and reduce the bat-pad gap, well then, they are as efficient as an elephant’s tail.”

 Although I could not even raise them, Ballwinder Paaji opened my eyes. I wish I never had to find out the truth. Not at least this way.

My eyes were opened, just couldn’t raise them.


“Ballwinder Paaji, how would you go about dealing with such an elephant?”, I asked gathering back my zen.

“I will make the most beautiful roasted coffee through the elephant’s digestion – Black Ivory Coffee”, responded Ballwinder paaji.

Black Ivory Roasted Coffee


“In fact, I was just having it. You want to try some?”, asked Ballwinder Paaji as a gentleman.

“Thanks, but no thanks”, I said with the straightest possible face.

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Elephant fermented coffee – Thanks but no thanks



World Cup Police Diaries -IV

Someone might have seen this boy in Russia.

Finding Nemo


“Nemo…Where are you?!?! Nemo!! Where are you son?!”, shouted the concerned father across the crowded streets of Russia.

Image result for finding nemo Dory looking concerned
Looking for his son, Nemo


“What happened sir, are you looking for someone?”, asked the helpful Russian Police Officers

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We’ve already qualified! How can we help you?


“Sir, I am looking for my son, I had adopted him, we happily lived in Paris, he is missing since the beginning of the year, I have been looking for him. I was told he might be here. Please help me find him. Please officer please! I have been looking for him since the start of the World Cup! I just cannot find him”

I beg you. Please!


“Ok! Ok! Stop! We will help you! Do you have any picture of his?”, asked the cops in a heavy voice.

crying peter parker - stop, just stop I'm sorry ok?
Stop. I am sorry I asked.


“I call him Nemo, here, this is his picture”



“What the hell?!?! You don’t look like his father!?”, said the cop getting annoyed

How does he even look like your son?!


The man looking annoyed, pours a plate on his head and says “Happy?!”

Related image


“Alpha to Charlie, Finding Neymar, Copy, Over”, said the cop over the radio.

Cop Walkie Talkie Terrific Timeline July 12 2012 7 15pm First Arrest
Did he turn up at least today or what?!?


“Good news sir, He has finally turned up today, he is safe, diving and dancing “, confirmed the Cop.



“Thank you very much, Sir! I am glad he finally showed up today!”

robert downey jr relieved
When you see him doing a Messi, but suddenly Ronaldo happens





World Cup Police Diaries -III

Barmy and Negligent driving by the English in Russia.

Barmy and Negligent Driving!


“Excuse me sir”, said a polite, composed voice, to which the Police officer turned.

The officer who turned to the polite, calm, soothing voice

“We wish to lodge a complaint.”, said the warm, welcoming, local Russian fan base

The local Russian fan base

“Yes, How can we help”, responded the alert police force

Will a name-change clean up Russia's corrupt police force?
The alert police force. Picture Courtesy: Retuers

“We wish to report rash, negligent driving in the neighborhood”, said the leader of the local fan base in his polite pitch.

SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY…Monster Truck Madness!
Barmy and Negligent driving

“Who do you think is behind this?”, asked the concerned cops

Concerned Cops

“The English…”, politely pointed by another member of the neighbourhood

Image result for Russian hooligans
Politely pointing out

“The English hooligans!?”, asked the Cop

UEFA EURO 2016 England - Russland Ausschreitungen in Marseille
English fans Picture Courtesy: Reuters/ J.P. Pelissler

“NO Sir! the English football team”

Three Lions on Unicorns, living it dangerously
Pickford crashes off the inflatable unicorn as Maguire (right) watches his goalkeeper falling
Barmy and Negligent skills
Lingard turned photographer as he used a camera to take photos of defender Ashley Young
Recording their over-speeding antics.

The Russian police officer was left spellbound.

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Officer left spellbound

World Cup Police Diaries -II

Egyptians complain again!

It all started on the first day of the World Cup, when the Egyptian team went to the cops to complain about their loss.   Check out the first complaint that was made

It saw a trend of many people now complaining about different things to the cops. The Russian cops have taken out a report of all the complaints that have been made as yet:

Egyptians complain again!

The pharaoh went teary eyed to the Cops, “One more complaint please”

The Pharaoh – Mo Salah

“Whats the matter this time around? Whodunnit?”, asked the Cops, looking satiated after a comforting victory against the Egyptians.


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The Cops asking “Whodunnit?”


The pharaoh replied, “Ahmed Fathy”

Image result for Fathy own goal
Ahmed Fathy displaying the goal difference between Russia and Egypt through his legs

Russian Cop, without changing much of his facial reaction, “Awww, don’t worry, we have a perfect punishment in mind for him”, while trying to placate Salah with some flowers

Image result for russian cop reactions
Yuri Smityuk via Getty Images


“Ahmed Fathy !”, Shouted the cop, “Come here. ‘Kneel Down’!”

Pic Courtesy: https://kenididdis.wordpress.com/2013/11/02/kneel-down-and-raise-your-hands-2/